I've realised my mind works differently to the average, and found out that close family members have been diagnosed with various mental health issues, time to learn what that actually means.
Today I would usually be in Couples Therapy with my husband Johann. Therapy/Counselling feels natural for me. Any time life feels as though it is 'happening to me' I know I need to enlist help; and I like talking. Therapists I've used in the past allowed me to talk myself around in a circle, as I generally answer my own queries by the end of a session. Talking my thoughts aloud helps me process. This current therapist has been completely different from any I've worked with before.
It has been an explosive force, pushing and pulling, bringing out deeply hidden memories explaining why and how I think the way I do, challenging the relationships I foster and the dynamic I hold within my little family unit. Insecurities, traumas and learnt behaviours. The sessions have brought up A LOT! The therapist, who I believe has super powers, has been able to get my husband to talk; I can assure you this is HUGE.
We've had at least 4 different therapists in the past for various reasons. He had barely spoken during any of those sessions. Right now I am learning more about my husbands inner thoughts and feelings than I have over the past 14 years. I feel the need to cheer 'Hoorah!' We are polar opposites in that sense and are both feeling the positive impact on our relationship. Communication is better, which in turn is meaning we are supporting each other more, he is taking more responsibility regarding the boys and recognising when he needs to take the helm and do some of the life organising. It's not all perfect, we are a work in progress and understand that we always will be. Life is a work in progress, learning, living, loving in a different way every day. I was listening to BBC Radio 4 and a guest relayed that we are a different person every day we awake. It truly resonated with me.
Whilst reading Oprah Magazine I came across an interview with Esmé Weijun Wang [author of 'The collected Schizophrenias Essays', researcher, Stanford graduate, Yale attended winner of the Graywolf Press non-fiction prize and an expert, in my opinion, as she also lives with the diagnosis of Schizoaffective disorder], she fascinated me so much her book was purchased and read within the week. Since then I have read and re-read, making notes and taking pauses to digest.
Mental health is a taboo in my family as I am sure it is in many. When my father had a mental break down and it was revealed that he had been living with a mental disorder, the family questioned and attempted to lay blame on external influences. The active need to find something to blame and to even trivialise the diagnosis exasperated me, but I understood defensiveness, it is a behaviour I have been raised with and know all too well.
'He has been diagnosed, I am not telling you to lay blame at your door, just to inform you.'
Responses were as follows,
'Where did he get that from, he was fine before, it can't be, I think he just worked too hard, he was a credit to the the family, such a shame, I really don't know what happened. He mixed too much with white people, forgot his own, no-one sees him any more, he needs to go home [to St Lucia, where he was born and has not been back to since arriving here in the early 60's].'
Now, this isn't from just one person, but generally at least two of those things were said at any one time. When it was revealed, many years after his diagnosis, that my fathers paternal Aunt was diagnosed with Schizophrenia, his sister has been diagnosed with early onset dementia in her early 50's [never married, never had children, never left her childhood home] and his nephew had been committed to a mental health institution for many years after a few short stays; I became angered. The defensiveness was hiding historic fear, but leaves the rest of us vulnerable and often lonely.
Although it is not generally believed that mental health is hereditary, Esmé explores the idea that there are genetic attributes as, with all aspects. Nature/Nurture comes to my mind, child psychology learnt in my past career as a Pre-School Manager/educator. Could outside influences (nurture) widen the already present and inherited (natural) cracks? I finally understand how the label 'crack pots' is used. I sometimes feel like that cracked pot. Just small cracks that life creates, a few chips, dents, isn't that all of us?
Wabi Sabi, best describes a respect for a 'cracked pot'. As written by Beth Kempton in her book 'Wabi Sabi: Japanese wisdom for a perfectly imperfect life' Wabi Sabi, a Japanese way of life, is an acceptance and appreciation of the impermanent, imperfect and incomplete nature of everything. Wabi Sabi applied to a cracked and beloved pot is liquid gold that fills those cracks. A precious and beautiful addition.
In my quest to learn more about the schizophrenias in particular research around inheritance, I have been learnt much about myself imparting that to my sons, to kill the taboo, help to inform and normalise the use of external help, just as we would with a broken limb. My children have the right to know that there is a possibility that they could struggle with their mental health and be taught how to manage without stigma. We are all made so very differently, and our experiences differ so dramatically [back to the BBC Radio 4 programme] two people can be in the same space seeing the same thing but process it very differently. Its Okay to be different and its Okay to seek and accept help.
In a time that the 'care' agencies have introduced, care into the community and those living with mental health issues are more visible, at the same time as beloved celebrities taking their own lives, being 'woke' is fashionable and 'me time' is a buzz word, I feel we are overlooking the need to understand.
What always scares me, more than my fathers diagnosis and its proximity to me, is the story of Julie, Julie was a close friend of an elder cousin of mine that I spent most of my teen and twenties 'hanging out with'. Julie had a good job in a bank, an immaculately maintained flat with all the mod-cons and comforts; she was lusted over, and envied, for her beautiful thick long wavy black hair, beautiful facial features and a body to put Kim K to shame, she was a proud mother of 3 and drove a modest car, long before any of us had the motivation to get a license.
The last time I saw Julie, she had no idea who I was; wearing a dirty blonde wig, she is thin, her beauty battered, her teeth... lacking. Julie is relying heavily on class A drugs to get through her days, Julie is prostituting on dangerous street corners, in the shadows of her home town, which i imagine to be a parallel universe to her, from where she previously sat within the safety net of 'polite' society. Julie started having episodes, it started with believing everyone, including my cousin, was trying to sleep with her boyfriend. She fell out with friends and family. Julie is someone else now.
I don't want to be Julie. I've always said to friends and family, if I'm not myself, don't turn your back on me, say something. She was me. I was her. I have a level of guilt attached to Julie and her circumstance, and fear.
Are there issues in my marriage? Yes. Is that why we are in therapy? No. Am I afraid of 'losing my mind'? Yes.
I understand enough about myself to know that my empathy and intuition is strong, it is a trait of mine to 'do too much' leaving me mentally and physically exhausted even ill. I use therapy to maintain my mind and have a professional to 'check in' with. A bit like a service on the car or a putting the washing machine on a an empty cycle or a Hamam bath! (if you don't know what that is, I'll use another post to describe) Therapy is teaching me how to communicate more effectively and not hold on to pain that cracks away at my mind, couples therapy is strengthening the partnership I have with my husband and helping us both to understand self and each other.
We are pouring gold into our cracks...
Notes:
My research and learning continue....
Therapy may not be for everybody, your therapist may not be a good fit for you either so don't give up after one try. Therapy is not a cure for mental health issues, but can help. Change happens when YOU are ready. My father, although over retirement age, works and lives a 'normal' life, hate that word but trying to keep it clear for the masses. I have not been diagnosed with any issues other than depression 7 years ago, I refused medication and worked with my dad to find ways of managing which I still use now when I have down days. Therapy was a decision my husband and I decided on after our 10th anniversary in order to help the transition into our next 10 years. Our family is growing and changing all of the time, an occasional tipple (gin is my current poison), mindfulness exercises and therapy is the crutch I lean on.
Resources:
If you live in the Uk, Well Doing.org is a great resource to find a therapist near you https://welldoing.org
The collected Schizophrenias Essays by Esmé Weijun Wang affiliate link
Wabi Sabi: A Japanese way of life affiliate link
Whilst reading Oprah Magazine I came across an interview with Esmé Weijun Wang [author of 'The collected Schizophrenias Essays', researcher, Stanford graduate, Yale attended winner of the Graywolf Press non-fiction prize and an expert, in my opinion, as she also lives with the diagnosis of Schizoaffective disorder], she fascinated me so much her book was purchased and read within the week. Since then I have read and re-read, making notes and taking pauses to digest.
Mental health is a taboo in my family as I am sure it is in many. When my father had a mental break down and it was revealed that he had been living with a mental disorder, the family questioned and attempted to lay blame on external influences. The active need to find something to blame and to even trivialise the diagnosis exasperated me, but I understood defensiveness, it is a behaviour I have been raised with and know all too well.
'He has been diagnosed, I am not telling you to lay blame at your door, just to inform you.'
Responses were as follows,
'Where did he get that from, he was fine before, it can't be, I think he just worked too hard, he was a credit to the the family, such a shame, I really don't know what happened. He mixed too much with white people, forgot his own, no-one sees him any more, he needs to go home [to St Lucia, where he was born and has not been back to since arriving here in the early 60's].'
Now, this isn't from just one person, but generally at least two of those things were said at any one time. When it was revealed, many years after his diagnosis, that my fathers paternal Aunt was diagnosed with Schizophrenia, his sister has been diagnosed with early onset dementia in her early 50's [never married, never had children, never left her childhood home] and his nephew had been committed to a mental health institution for many years after a few short stays; I became angered. The defensiveness was hiding historic fear, but leaves the rest of us vulnerable and often lonely.
Although it is not generally believed that mental health is hereditary, Esmé explores the idea that there are genetic attributes as, with all aspects. Nature/Nurture comes to my mind, child psychology learnt in my past career as a Pre-School Manager/educator. Could outside influences (nurture) widen the already present and inherited (natural) cracks? I finally understand how the label 'crack pots' is used. I sometimes feel like that cracked pot. Just small cracks that life creates, a few chips, dents, isn't that all of us?
Wabi Sabi, best describes a respect for a 'cracked pot'. As written by Beth Kempton in her book 'Wabi Sabi: Japanese wisdom for a perfectly imperfect life' Wabi Sabi, a Japanese way of life, is an acceptance and appreciation of the impermanent, imperfect and incomplete nature of everything. Wabi Sabi applied to a cracked and beloved pot is liquid gold that fills those cracks. A precious and beautiful addition.
In my quest to learn more about the schizophrenias in particular research around inheritance, I have been learnt much about myself imparting that to my sons, to kill the taboo, help to inform and normalise the use of external help, just as we would with a broken limb. My children have the right to know that there is a possibility that they could struggle with their mental health and be taught how to manage without stigma. We are all made so very differently, and our experiences differ so dramatically [back to the BBC Radio 4 programme] two people can be in the same space seeing the same thing but process it very differently. Its Okay to be different and its Okay to seek and accept help.
In a time that the 'care' agencies have introduced, care into the community and those living with mental health issues are more visible, at the same time as beloved celebrities taking their own lives, being 'woke' is fashionable and 'me time' is a buzz word, I feel we are overlooking the need to understand.
What always scares me, more than my fathers diagnosis and its proximity to me, is the story of Julie, Julie was a close friend of an elder cousin of mine that I spent most of my teen and twenties 'hanging out with'. Julie had a good job in a bank, an immaculately maintained flat with all the mod-cons and comforts; she was lusted over, and envied, for her beautiful thick long wavy black hair, beautiful facial features and a body to put Kim K to shame, she was a proud mother of 3 and drove a modest car, long before any of us had the motivation to get a license.
The last time I saw Julie, she had no idea who I was; wearing a dirty blonde wig, she is thin, her beauty battered, her teeth... lacking. Julie is relying heavily on class A drugs to get through her days, Julie is prostituting on dangerous street corners, in the shadows of her home town, which i imagine to be a parallel universe to her, from where she previously sat within the safety net of 'polite' society. Julie started having episodes, it started with believing everyone, including my cousin, was trying to sleep with her boyfriend. She fell out with friends and family. Julie is someone else now.
I don't want to be Julie. I've always said to friends and family, if I'm not myself, don't turn your back on me, say something. She was me. I was her. I have a level of guilt attached to Julie and her circumstance, and fear.
Are there issues in my marriage? Yes. Is that why we are in therapy? No. Am I afraid of 'losing my mind'? Yes.
I understand enough about myself to know that my empathy and intuition is strong, it is a trait of mine to 'do too much' leaving me mentally and physically exhausted even ill. I use therapy to maintain my mind and have a professional to 'check in' with. A bit like a service on the car or a putting the washing machine on a an empty cycle or a Hamam bath! (if you don't know what that is, I'll use another post to describe) Therapy is teaching me how to communicate more effectively and not hold on to pain that cracks away at my mind, couples therapy is strengthening the partnership I have with my husband and helping us both to understand self and each other.
We are pouring gold into our cracks...
Notes:
My research and learning continue....
Therapy may not be for everybody, your therapist may not be a good fit for you either so don't give up after one try. Therapy is not a cure for mental health issues, but can help. Change happens when YOU are ready. My father, although over retirement age, works and lives a 'normal' life, hate that word but trying to keep it clear for the masses. I have not been diagnosed with any issues other than depression 7 years ago, I refused medication and worked with my dad to find ways of managing which I still use now when I have down days. Therapy was a decision my husband and I decided on after our 10th anniversary in order to help the transition into our next 10 years. Our family is growing and changing all of the time, an occasional tipple (gin is my current poison), mindfulness exercises and therapy is the crutch I lean on.
Resources:
If you live in the Uk, Well Doing.org is a great resource to find a therapist near you https://welldoing.org
The collected Schizophrenias Essays by Esmé Weijun Wang affiliate link
Wabi Sabi: A Japanese way of life affiliate link
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