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Tuesday, 30 September 2014

Finding That Place of Still: The Balancing Act





This past year has been a busy one for me; not just in a physical sense but a mental one too.  I have, most of my life, been a juggler of sorts with a lot of 'balls' in the air.  When I had children each one, with their little bodies, wants, needs and personalities was another to add to the juggling act.  Then depression hit.  I dropped the balls and was horrified as I watched all of those carefully constructed and added balls roll away from me in an almighty wave.

A rare insight into the private struggles of the Tomboy mum of four boys



I'm not really sure when it all began but I can tell you when it hit it's pinnacle.  Have you ever felt so scared, alone and pathetic that you could curl tightly into a ball, in a room full of people, and just begin to de-compose.  I wasn't suicidal I just no longer wanted to exist.  I was scared of myself.  I was becoming too tired to keep up the facade I had built, the me that I thought I should be, the me I was disappointed I wasn't being.

I did, of course, have a network of friends and family who tried to be there for me, but my problem had has to be worked on from within.   I say has as it is an on going journey, one of enlightenment and calm; selfishly I am in the most fantastic period of my life.  Nothing really matters;  The bigger picture is so beautiful I am just grateful to be a brush stroke within it's canvas.

On the odd occasion, my mind whispers, but what of the past, what of the relationships that have been damaged along the way.  Living in a throw away society means we find it so easy to move on.  I have had wonderful times and not so wonderful times but am very clear that in order to continue,  the ability to nurture healthy relationships and let go of/adapt the not so, will require effort on my part.
But, if I'm honest, the words, "I'm sorry I was depressed" have become a brick that have built a large enough wall to foster a reluctance in continuing; with each word added signifying the mortar the walls begin to close in again.


I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly it's true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.


And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in  for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.
Oh the Places you'll Go
Dr Seuss

How very apt.  A book I wish I had discovered years ago; 
How I can relate, but wait (in true Dr Seuss rhyming style) there is more..

Step with great care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act

Ahhhh!!  Balance not Juggle....  go on....

Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So... get on your way! 
A new beginning have I (I can channel Yoda too!)  No walls, no dark.  An open infinite sky.  And a knowledge that it is completely normal to - not cope - sometimes.  I may fall into more slumps, but each time I'll get out.  Each time I will have learn't what better to do.  No more juggling but balance, Ying and Yang, as is the way of the world.
Busy body, calm mind.  Busy mind, still body and never the two shall meet.
My friendships, are very present as true friendships are.
How to fix them?  Start with "how are you?" One person, one day, one step at a time.

I have found that place of still and each day I return and am able to stay just a little longer each time.  What's even better is the fact that I am able to pass this knowledge down to my children who are still young enough to adopt the skills I'm learning, into their everyday existence.

Balance is a skill worth practising.

Tomboy -x-

For more on how I'm finding my balance please subscribe and follow.... more posts coming soon.





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